


The Pendragon Sigil

by Lavanyaa



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Grief/Mourning, Loss, Love, M/M, My First Work in This Fandom, Pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-02
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-10-21 04:22:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17635952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lavanyaa/pseuds/Lavanyaa
Summary: As he hold the Sigil that Arthur had given him, months ago...Merlin realized how waiting for Arthur was going to be so much more painful than he thought, simply because of the fact he had never realized that, he indeed loved Arthur.And that Arthur loved him back.





	The Pendragon Sigil

**Author's Note:**

> Hello my dear Merlin survivors!!
> 
> I've been a Merlin fan since the show had started, and the ending of the show left me heartbroken. Maybe that's why I never re-watched it, and written fics about it.
> 
> But lately, I've been wanting to go back to the show, and I thought about that deleted scene and this fic was born :')
> 
> This is my first fanfiction in this Fandom, and I hope you all like it ❤️ 
> 
> English is not my native language so I apologize for any mistakes. 
> 
> Happy reading!

_**"Although we never said it to each other, I think we both knew"** _

 

His feet were feeling numb, his whole body was aching because of how many days he had been sitting on the grass, in front of Lake Avalon, waiting. 

 

He just sat on the ground, and kept looking ahead of him, ignoring everything around him. 

Life kept going around him, but Merlin didn't care. 

 

King Arthur was dead. 

Arthur was dead. 

His friend was dead. 

His destiny was dead. 

His other side of the coin was dead. 

The person who made him feel whole was dead. 

 

What was the point of living anymore? 

What was the point of all of this?

Why did life had sent Arthur into his path, and him into Arthur's, if it was only for them to have a end like this? Why? Why was this happening? Why Arthur was snatched away from him? In a way that, now, that empty area would never be full again. 

 

Why did this happen? How did this happen? How was he supposed to keep living now? How was he supposed to just sit here and wait? 

Should he return back to Camelot? Be by Gwen's side? That was what Arthur would have wanted. But Merlin couldn't find the will, nor the strength, to get up from where he was sitting. 

 

He was feeling drained, empty, hollow. 

 

How was he supposed to go through every morning, from now on, now that the only reason he woke up every morning was taken away from him?

Why would he even bother living from now one? Now that, the only person who made his life worth living, was not with him anymore? 

 

Tears started to roll on Merlin's cheeks again, and a sob came out of his throat. Bringing up his legs, he put down his head between them, and enveloped his legs with his arms. And he cried.

 

His shoulders were shaking, his whole body was hurting so so much, and his heart… His heart was feeling at its worst. Every single breathe Merlin was taking, came with a stung of pain, every second that passed, Merlin wondered how was he going to live without Arthur now? 

 

Did he even deserve living anymore? 

 

And Arthur… God, Arthur… 

 

He had tried so hard, so so hard, to save his King. But he had been late. He had been so stupid. And now, Arthur was dead. 

 

Everything he had done, every people he had taken down, to protect Arthur, meant nothing. Every single decision he had made, to keep him safe, were the one which lead to this unfortunate day. He had tried his hardest to keep Arthur safe, to save him, but he had failed.

 

How was he supposed to go through every day, without Arthur by his side? How was he supposed to keep living? Was there even a tiny bit of hope for Arthur to come back to him?

 

He still remembered Arthur's face. Before sending him away to Avalon, Merlin had spent minutes looking down at Arthur, trying to memorize every single thing about him. 

 

He was going to miss him. So much. The way Arthur used to roll his eyes at him whenever he said something stupid. The way he looked at him, in surprise and awe whenever Merlin said something wise. The way he stared at him when Merlin told him that he would die before he'd let anything happen to Arthur; a look filled with gratitude and understanding. A look that said, 

 

_“I’d do the same for you”_

 

Merlin drew his head back, from his knees, and wiping his tears away with his hands, he looked down on the ground, and picking at the grass, he smiled, sadly, as he remembered how Arthur was around him. 

 

He was going to miss him so much. 

The way Arthur would throw his head back, and laugh at him. The way he used to look at him, with intensity, warmth and care. The way he used to reassure him with his silly words without saying out loud that he indeed cared about Merlin. 

The way he, implicitly, would say that Merlin mattered to him as much as he mattered to Merlin.

The way he'd look at him, right before going into a battle, letting him know, with one look all the words he had never said, 

 

_“I hope I'll come back to you”_

_“Please, don't worry, I'll be fine”_

_“Thank you, Merlin”_

 

He was going to miss how Arthur used to tease him, because of how sensitive, and weird Merlin was about some things. He was going to miss their talks, whenever they were in the middle of a crisis, a battle, or war. They always had the habit of saying things to reassure the other, even if neither of them believed that they would come out of the situation alive. 

But neither of them let the other one knew. 

 

Merlin was going to miss how Arthur used to smile at him. Sometimes with sarcasm, and sadness, or pure happiness. 

 

But the most important that Merlin was going to miss about Arthur, was his voice. 

 

The last thing he heard from Arthur was his thanks. 

 

_“Merlin, everything you have done, I know now. For me. For Camelot. For the Kingdom you helped me build._

 

_Thank you.”_

 

All that Merlin could hear right now, was his Arthur's last words, ringing in his mind. Reminding him, every second, that Arthur wasn't here anymore. 

 

Merlin didn't know it would hurt this much. He was feeling like everything was ripped away from him. He was feeling like he had lost his whole will to live. And he kinda did. 

 

Merlin always thought that he would be at Arthur's side. He never once doubted his own loyalty to Arthur. He was always so busy wondering and worrying about Arthur's life, that he never once thought, about what he would do if he ever lost Arthur. 

 

How was he supposed to live without the other half of his being? Without the only person who had been the reason, for the past years, of his existence? 

 

Taking a deep, long, and shaky breath, Merlin, looked at what he was holding in one of his hands. He look down at it, and smiled sadly, letting a few more tears fall down on the object in his palm. 

 

The Pendragon Sigil. 

 

The one Arthur had given to him, one night, when he had thought that the end was coming. 

Merlin had refused at first, thinking that he wouldn't be worthy of having it in his possession. 

 

But, why would Arthur ever give this to _him_? 

Why didn't he give it to Gwen? Or to one of his Knights? Why to him? He was just a clumsy servant. 

 

 

However, deep down, at this moment, while sitting in front of the Lake, Merlin realized why. He realized why Arthur had chosen _him_ , instead of others, to have his Sigil. 

He felt something shift inside of him, his heart started beating faster, doing a strange flip, as realization dawn on him. 

 

Merlin's eyes grew, becoming wide, making more tears roll from his eyes, and fall on the Sigil. He bite down on his lips, to stop himself from crying more than he already was. His breathing quickened, he was trembling, and his mouth was open in a silent gasp. His hand was shaking, and he felt like the ground beneath him was moving. 

 

He hold the sigil with both of his hands, caressing the object with his fingers. He brought up his legs again, and put down his head between his knees. Still holding the sigil in his hand, he circled his legs with his arms, and moved his body back and forth, while sobs wracked his body.

 

He always had second thoughts about how he felt about Arthur. But the, he would call himself stupid, and let his thoughts be closed up in a corner of his mind. 

 

He loved Arthur. Of course he did, it was Arthur. He was his King, his friend, his destiny. So of course, he loved him. 

But today, he realized two things. 

 

First, his love for Arthur had always been so much more than he had thought. 

 

And secondly… His mind went back to the time when Arthur had hold out the Sigil to him telling to take it without questioning him. 

 

 _“Just… Take it”_ had said, Arthur. 

 

But now, Merlin, within the words that Arthur had once told him,heard something else. 

The same voice, deep, and pleasant, warm and soft, saying, 

 

_“I love you”_

 

Merlin's sobs were becoming louder and the tears didn't seem to stop any time soon. 

Holding his body between his long arms, Merlin started to whisper to himself, or maybe to whoever who was listening out there, 

 

“I love you too, I love you, I love you…”

 

Then, his breaths quickened, and his heart almost stopped beating, as he realized one last thing : 

 

It was too late. 

* * *

 

 

For away, in Avalon, a place no living humans knew the existence of, Arthur was looking down at Merlin. A lonely tear fell down from his eye, and smiling sadly, he whispered,

 

_“I know Merlin, I know”_

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Soo... How was it? :p


End file.
